At the moment I am learning to drive. I am 36 years old and have Asperger syndrome and a movement disorder and I never saw myself driving. The lessons are not without their challenges. I have a good driving instructor he seems to be a natural teacher with intuition and most of the time he knows when to push and when to diffuse the situation with humor. My driving instructor talks a lot which can be distracting but he assures me that this is a strategy – he says when he gets quiet I will know I am nearly ready for the test. I am finding the multitasking a real challenge and have to consciously think through things when I do them (but this is the way with all new learning). I have never been able to to respond to left or right as I am not programed for it!! I have to really think about it. I can feel my confidence slowly building and I have caught myself enjoying driving occasionally- but the urge to cut and run from the whole process is still there .  It is the anxiety that is my biggest enemy – the hyper-vigilance has me jumping at normal events and second guessing my moves. The instructor says I have a ‘driving face’ which is a tense one. My skill levels are good – my fear is getting in the way. This is the story of my life – fear getting the way – complex and insidious. I am however determined to overcome that fear and experience the freedom of driving.

I can empathise with Daniel in this article by the ABC. The driving program that Daniel is involved in offers people like us a opportunity to learn that is tailored to our needs and it would be great if it could be replicated across the country.

The NAS in the UK has their own advice about driving. I am interested in this BBC Doco coming soon.

I have just discovered the latest Disability Studies Quarterly and I’m overjoyed! I feel like ‘autism’ is coming of age within disability.  It is fitting that there are articles by both Jim Sinclair and Ari Ne’eman. Dare I say Father of the movement and one of its most prominent sons. I have a feeling that a lot of care an attention has gone into the all of the sections, the peer reviewed, the cultural commentary, the roundtables and the smaller offerings – creative works and book and film reviews. Tito Rajarshi Mukhopadhyay and his exquisite metaphor and highly appreciable humor resonate with me. I am yet to read all of the work and I remain excited at the possibility of doing so and savoring the offerings as some are clearly such a departure from the medicalised research literature I am required to read as part of my profession. As an an Autistic person who is a Disability Studies graduate I feel this long overdue treatment of autism will finally allow further focus on discourse that is not routed in the medical paradigm or the battle seat of the behavioural science, pharmaco science or quackery realms.

I am not going to be one of those who hangs on to the Asperger label as I have always embraced the concept of autism and have in fact chosen to call myself Autistic in some realms for political purposes. Autistic is controversial as it flies in the face of person first language. I tend to back away from the diminutive terms such as ‘Aspie’ or ‘autie’ as I feel they are a trivialisation of a complex human state of being and interacting.

Much of our disability as with any disability lies within society’s attitudes toward us and it is not surprising that many people on the autism spectrum internalise these attitudes and develop a spectrum of self loathing that reflects society’s stigmatising stereotypes.

Identities also develop within a movement of resistance to those stereotypes – a point of difference is a point of resistance – Asperger’s has become one such point in a relatively short space of time. There is in fact no reason as to why people cant identify with Asperger’s definition of autism beyond the the time it is officially subsumed.

The danger though is that we risk further fracturing of a community that is already difficult to organise. People with ASD are excellent at excelling in solitary pursuit of ideals but bring us all together and we fumble about – in my experience. I have a very strong sense of the autism community but feel we do rightly resist being organised and homogenised which is why it is hard to have our voices heard and why we are often overwhelmed by the voices of others.

At other times the business of living day to day just takes over. For example I am 36 and I am just learning to drive so I have to decide what is more important – spending hours debating the DSM 5 or clocking up hours on the road so I can reach another level of independence. I did my first night drive tonight before I sat down and wrote this. So you see I am driven to do both – I can’t decide, I can’t prioritise – or maybe its just that some things are equally important. I want my independence but I also want every other person on the autism spectrum to have a chance to meet their goals too.

I have been thinking about the recent controversy regarding the DSM 5 and the choice to propose a move away from Asperger syndrome/disorder. I can’t help but think about what Asperger himself may think and feel it is important to visit his work and his intent when describing the condition he observed.

In 1944 Hans Asperger described people with what he termed “Autistic Psychopathy” – a personality disorder relating to ‘self’. When he was doing so I seriously doubt he would have thought that he would have ‘syndrome’ named after him. He clearly saw qualities that he deemed to be ‘autistic’, similar qualities that were described by Leo Kanner around the same time.

Asperger himself pays homage to Eugen Bleuler for the term autism, first used to described patients with Schizophrenia:

“The name ‘autism,’ coined by Bleuler, is undoubtedly one of the great linguistic and conceptual creations in medical nomenclature,” (Asperger,1944)

Asperger attempted to differentiate out people with ‘autism’ who were not psychotic. Kanner also borrowed the term autism from Bleuler and redefined the concept of ‘withdrawal’ away from Schizophrenia. Both Kanner and Asperger were describing similar populations borrowing Bleuer’s word autism and at the same time redefining that word so that it came to represent the population we know today.

It seems Asperger deliberately chose the word autism for what it represented then, as linguistically it may have been the best starting point for a description of the population he was wishing to highlight.

Beginning in 1981 Lorna Wing popularised the term Asperger syndrome.  Having popularised the term it has been reported that she has since expressed her regret at doing so. Asperger didn’t live to see ‘his’ syndrome enter the DSM in 1994 – he died in 1980.

Hans Asperger’s work has undoubtedly had an impact on the way we view autism and has resulted in the expansion of the concept of autism.  But he was and we are talking about autism.

Some time ago I was exploring the idea of Radical Cheerleading – which is cheerleading with an activist edge. Now cheerleading is not something that I ever aspired to as a young person but I like the activist part and there is still part of me that would love to stick it to the girls that were the cheerleading type as they often made my life miserable!

Radical Cheerleading is out there, feminist, activist and well umm radical with plenty of causes, actions, ‘riots’ and the customary zines documenting it all. In these modern times Radical Cheerleading has dedicated Facebook pages and groups and websites so you can google if you like. You might say hey whoa these chicks are too way out there lefty femo whatsits for me or you may just love it. I took a shine to the idea because it is about taking something iconic with a specific cultural vibe and currency and turning it on its head.

So Asperger Women’s Radical Cheerleading anyone?

A Cheer I wrote with some Asperger Teens!
Aspergrrrls

We’re here, we’re girls, and we’re different
If you don’t like that then it’s time you went!
We love our bodies and we love our minds
Got no time for bullies ‘cos they’re just unkind
We’re here today cos it makes no sense
for people to see us and take offence.
So hear our stories- what we have to say
Di-vers-it-y is the only way!
We’re here, we’re girls, and we’re different!

I go to a dance workshop. Part of my intersectorial subordinate group. The dance is liberating and i forget, then in leaving I forget the liberation. To dance – was not something i was supposed to do – i have the wrong feet. The dance is a gift and peace comes. No fear, no judgement. I am I a dancer. A Dancer I will be. Tomorrow will I remember to dance. I remember now everyday not to get ‘F*cked Up’.

I am an Autistic Dancer.

In reply to Australian cynicism regarding the UN Convention on the Rights of People with Disabilities. I have read that people don’t feel it’s worth the paper it is written on etc and hear people complaining about the service gaps in Australia (which are very real) however I don’t feel that the Convention can be so easily dismissed. For some around the world the Convention is all that exists – it is the only blueprint they have for their countries that have no laws regarding people with disabilities. Countries where people with disabilities are sacrificed to please the gods, where disabled babies are killed at birth, where children are locked away in shame, where disabled men and women drag themselves through muddy streets because there are no wheelchairs. It is still up to us – a young human rights movement, to embody and give life to what is written. Having met a Mexican woman who personally gave life to the Convention I can say she did not take her role at all lightly.

Well time to reflect, having had no time to post during WILD.

The first thing I want to write about briefly is coincidence. The beautiful thing that is Serendipity. Eugene seems to be a place for that. My fabulous host family Cathy and Margaret were so welcoming and giving – their hospitality having been extended 9 days previous to friends Sue and Susie and the band Readhead from my hometown Adelaide. I was thrilled to find a note from Susie on my bed and felt so at home with Readhead playing on the car stereo as we drove around Eugene. What a blessing so far way from home. It was only coincidence that had me arrive at their door making the world seem a small place.

Some days are like wading through mud – today was one of those… work was slow and I was hanging on a decision that didn’t come and in the end i discovered it didn’t matter – I let go. I push so hard for the change I want to see in the world for me for other Autistic People and for the world in general and sometimes I wonder if i’m pushing in the right direction. I don’t think I can keep pushing myself into such a narrow box. The world must have more to offer. I am open to it – and into the world I will go. In Seven days I am on a plane – at the start of a journey.

Today I learnt of the passing away of a great activist who I knew as a young man struggling in a country high school and then stood with on picket lines on social justice issues affecting us all. A sad loss. The work will be continued……