I began to get tired toward the end of this year and was wondering how I would keep going under the pressure of everyday life. My mind is such that I am driven to do and to achieve not only for myself but on behalf of others. I have had time to rest and reflect and realise that it will always be my lot to be the way I am!!

2009 has seen many changes and machinations in the autism self-advocacy world and what I am seeing is a third-wave of advocates who a striving for a more rights based recognition of autism and autistic people. I am tired and as much as I’ll keep soldiering on, I am grateful for the new blood even if there is a bull at a gate mentality at times.

I remember being a younger activist  – not just taking a stand on autism and disability but on refugee issues, global economics, war, unemployment, youth issues, gay rights and more. I approached every issue with fervour and could be found at the front of picket lines and travelling from state to state to set up camp on a new issue. I was an arts student with time to spend on developing concepts, campaigns and time to dream about a better world. I was not only dreaming I was taking action and I believed wholeheartedly that every little bit counted. I think that some of the more seasoned activists around me would have looked at me and my fellow newbies with a mixture of amusement and knowing because they had been there done that – so to speak.

Sometimes now when I read about the actions of the new wave of self-advocates and activists in autism I have a mixture of the feelings that I suppose those elders had when I was younger!

There are some of us who have been there and done that in a lot of ways and yet there is still so much to be done. We do have a legacy which is a luxury and not a luxury to be taken for granted.

Now is a good time to reflect on some of that legacy and the things that inspire me!! (some links are to old sites)

Autism Network International Founders (1992) Jim Sinclair , Donna Williams and Kathy Lissner Grant. History here IMPORTANT READING

Jim Sinclair’s Don’t Mourn for Us

Martijn Dekker and InLv and IRC channel #asperger

Tony Langdon

Oops… Wrong Planet Syndrome (1995 – 2005) Archives here

Aspergia.com (no content available – you had to be there!)

These are a snipet of my introduction to the autism world many years ago when resources seemed sparse. Today there  is a veritible flood of information, options, opinions, resources, forums, chat rooms and the like. There are many activists and advocates awakening to the cause and looking toward the horizon with a sense of importance, boundless energy to give and rights to fight for.

I am a little bit tired but not nearly as tired as some who went before me – all that I wish for is that we honour the legacy of a movement. Spend some time looking back before you run foward.

Also posted on Autism @ Change.org
I am currently reading two books – ‘Embracing The Wide Sky’ by Daniel Tammet and ‘See Jane Lead’ by Lois P. Frankel. Why am I reading such books? I have just asked myself that question and the answer doesn’t come all that easily. It’s something about the search for meaning and wanting to be better. Better? Better than what? Better than anyone who has ever said that I can’t.
But lately I’m the one with the broken record – the ‘I can’t’ story, the ‘I’m not good enough’ story, the ‘I’m a fraud’ story. Years of listening to others and the compounding self generated ruminations has brought me to another existential impasse. I am left in the dark having to prove myself to myself.
Tammet, an Asperger man with Savant syndrome writes of a possible way out of my quandary. He speaks of multiple intelligences, training the brain for happiness, and practice and perseverance being at the root of exceptional skill. So it is as easy as that – I’ll just train my brain to think BETTER.
BETTER? BETTER THAN WHAT?
Better than men? Lois Frankel is going to tell me how to do just that, be better than men – at work; in fact she will share 99 Ways for Women to Take Charge at Work. I’m going to combine High Self Expression with High Concern for Others and become the Assertive Leader I need to be to influence my colleagues.
Both Tammet and Frankel talk about IQ and EQ the Intelligence and Emotional Quotients. Tammet discusses the alarming history of the IQ test and its use as a tool for the weeding out of imbeciles. Both agree that the Emotional Quotient has been a useful addition to the way we view behavior and assert that, according to Goleman (the father of EQ), the better my EQ the more likely I am to succeed.
Frankel also introduces LQ – the Likability Quotient. Likability Quotient! – I do believe I’m thwarted.
Intelligence – I have accepted that my Autistic Intelligence can’t be measured and that I am left without a full scale IQ, Emotionality – well I’m very emotional but it takes exceptional focus to rein that in and try to begin to read and understand the emotions of others (a science for me), but Likability – how do I contend with that one. Apparently like autism, likability also falls on a spectrum. My LQ must fall somewhere between an inordinate need to be liked and a complete lack of care for how others perceive me. Let’s not forget for a second that I also have an AQ (Autism Quotient) – I’ve taken the online test!
I’m going to have to think about my LQ while I continue to Embrace Tammet’s Wide Sky.
Maybe with my combined IQ, EQ, AQ and LQ I will be BETTER!
BETTER?
BETTER THAN WHAT?

I love my work – the work I do with people. It seems aI can excel in study with a HD average!! So why do I feel Unfulfilled and Unrecognised. My main passion is working with people with ASD, counselling and working through issues. I have a lot ot offer this discipline but I see people more accomplished that me and think how do I get there (and fast). This is the wrong approach I know. I feel like there should be more doing more interaction – building of protocols perhaps – but I feel like they (NT Profssionals) may not listen to the Autistic person – or maybe they will as the token person.  How do I work through these issues.

Perhaps this is all just rearing its head because it is nearing Christmas and I get restless at Christmas.

I think my life at the moment is about waiting – the lesson to be learned is waiting – waiting with your life in the palm of your hand. Maybe the lesson is about the ‘moment’ and too much time is being spent waiting. Waiting for ideal job, waiting for the pay rise, waiting to be famous (laughs out loud – don’t we all want just a little bit of fame). My different life is precious and valid an my contributions are, as such, also valid. it seems someone has been trying to to tell me this is not so and i don’t really know why.

New friendships are tenuous and change brings uncertainty. We do not admit to emotions like jealousy, disappointment and rage. And we wait for the tide to change so that we can turn away from these emotions. I think there is a way forward and it has mostly to do with the present and remembering what we have in spite of the waiting and the change.

To touch the sky through sun streaked curtains.

To sweep the pavement with soft hands.

Hand to the people a salve.

Green leaves. Hot hands sweat on plastic.

This is something she must do. Ordained.

 

In small dark rooms cold hands grab at her waist.

Hot mouths press against each other.

Pure need. Anonymous, she passes.

Will she be the man she wanted to be?

 

Am I living a lie in the light of her truth?

The truth being told through her lips on mine. 

Her hands work desire from my body.

Will she be the man I want her to be?

 

Morning light pushes the reaches of sanity.

Cries break the silence in a stranger’s room.

Words meet and speak the unspoken.

Is this the substance of dreams or the fuel for fears?

 

To touch the sky as she saw it.

To take the force of her soft hands.

Hand to me my salve.

Blue eyes. Mine meet hers in a new light.

This is something I must do. Ordained.

 

 

 

 

WILD

 

Somewhere between a lifetime

and the blink of an eye.

Knowledge brought forth

enlivens weary bodies

as minds quicken to the new.

Stories told

open hearts

and whisper to the unspoken.

 

Underneath and in between

the liminal is building the beautiful.

Change

creeps in like a slow morning mist,

bears down with the weight of years,

is metered out in slow unfoldings

and overwhelming waves.

 

The now is here to touch,

taste, breath, sing, dance,

chant, whisper, sign, revere,

behold, love, and be thankful for.

The past and the future

hold nothing

for this moment is everything

as will be the next.

 

To dream, to create

a single consciousness,

one point

from which understanding flows.

An intersection

of the hearts, minds and souls

of many women

of many nations,

many paths travelled

to the now. 

 

Consolidating all of my web content to www.autap.com in preparation for the experience of a lifetime at WILD 08.  I hope this will be a new home for my ideas and writing. Currently looking for signposts!!